I woke up early yesterday morning and my first thought, after seeing the time, was “Waking up in hate.” I was looking to make myself bitter about getting up 7am for work. I immediately stopped myself, thinking, “No. Waking up in gratitude. I’m grateful for this job and for waking up at all.”
It was a bit forced, but gratitude is always better than the alternative.
My brain has yet to carve out a gratitude/self-love path for me to stroll down everyday, so I tend to still drag myself down the well worn complain/self-hatred path.
I’m beyond tired of that path though, I take it merely for the familiarity of it. It seems less fake and forced than the brightly lit path.
I, honestly, still find myself occasionally scoffing whenever I see someone post about being grateful for their life and what they have.
/ Of course, it’s easy for you, look at your life! You’re living your dreams! You’ve got it all together! /
But that’s the problem with the Internet, we very rarely see anything that’s going on underneath the surface. We only see what other people want us to. Sometimes their positivity and gratitude seems forced to me, and maybe it is. Maybe they need to post that brightly lit selfie with that caption overflowing with gratitude because everything is falling apart but they don’t want to be dragged down by it.
I can understand that. We do what we need to in order to get through the day.
———
I don’t know.
It’s just hard for me right now, and millions of over people too, I’m sure. It’s all a choice, gratitude vs. complaining, I’m just not used to choosing the right one. I’m practicing choosing gratitude more, usually by cutting off a negative thought with it.
/ That person didn’t text me back.
Yeah, because you’re shit.
I’m not, they’re just busy. I love myself. /
I tell myself that I’m shit a lot. Which I’m working on changing. My mind just automatically goes there instead of towards self-love and accepting myself.
It’s really fucking tiring.
I also need to practice being happy with myself no matter where I am. I have a habit of tying happiness to a person or a place.
/ I’ll be happy when I’m with that person.
I’ll be happy when I move to that place. /
But it never works out how I think it should.
People have their own lives and shit going on.
Places sometimes aren’t that great once you get there.
I’m just obsessed with the thought of it all.
“I’ll be happy when…” is a very addicting and deceiving drug.
It tricks you into believing that you’re striving for something, when you’re really just keeping yourself stuck. It’s hard to move forward while waiting for something that will probably never come.
I still want to be with that person, and live in that place, but I need to move past it, because it may not happen.
I owe it to myself to get out of my own way and to be happy with myself in this moment.
Clever Blog Title Here 